It's grim, isn't it? Antifat culture messes all of us up, whatever our body size; it's very hard to escape, internally or externally.
As the lifelong occupant of a fat body, I have come to find that there's a certain rebellion encoded in it, especially with advancing age - my body never looked like what was decreed as attractive to cishet men (obv cishet men vary, many even defying the antifat brainworms) and when I was young, that felt like a failure, including within my family from a very young age. But when I hit my mid-30s approx, I realised I loved defying those parameters, I loved not being palatable to the supposed sensibilities of cishet men.
Don't get me wrong, if I could swap my body for a smaller one, I probably would, primarily so I would be more likely to receive appropriate medical treatment if I ever need it. And I'll probably never love my actual body; the brainworms seeded at such a young age, as soon as I was aware of having a body, have seen to that.
As ever - you put this so brilliantly and I feel really glad to have you and your work in my life. What a cursed cursed thing. Yay to the defying and boo to the brainworms. I only had a conversation with Zoe Jeyes a couple of months ago about how beautiful you always look. Xx
Deffo agree with the podcast recommendation, it's a doozy. I went the other way, I too was on average a size 14 in the horrible time to be a teenage girl, the nineties. In my adulthood I have fluctuated between a size 18 and a size 28, I am currently towards the top of that range. The most hurtful fatphobia hasn't been from men who I may or may not care if they fancy me (occasionally though and it has cut like a knife) but the worst has been from women being terrified of being fat or being perceived as less than 'perfect'. My life isn't perfect but I'm happy and I can assure them, that the worst thing in the world isn't to be like me.
Thanks for writing this and I think it’s so interesting to discuss where fatphobia begins. I’m a size 16 with big shoulders and tits, and when I was younger I tried to make it a thing - scaring boys into submission with my big knockers and manky leopardprint fur coats, and it worked up to a point. (They’d say things like ‘you’re not my type but there’s something about you’ and I’d watch those little cogs whirring as they tried to figure it out.) But now I’m getting older, internalised fatphobia can now be added to internalised ageism like a particularly ghastly combo meal at KFC. Woooo!! I wish I didn’t give a fuck anymore, but I do. But we have to remember that people with such narrow parameters are boring, unimaginative and weak - and quite frankly they can fuck off! Xx
Bloody hell I related to this so much. I remember af such a young age feeling so strongly that it would be shameful for a boy to have me like them so I used to keep it to myself.
Always felt such pressure to be the fat fun one too, and I was never above a 16. Roughly a 10/12 now but that's a result of a significant lifestyle shift and the massive privilege of being able (ish) to afford a fucking extortionate gym membership.
So much guilt tied up in working so hard to maintain this size too... why can't I just let go and be what I am naturally? Because, like you said, I move through the world very differently now.
It's grim, isn't it? Antifat culture messes all of us up, whatever our body size; it's very hard to escape, internally or externally.
As the lifelong occupant of a fat body, I have come to find that there's a certain rebellion encoded in it, especially with advancing age - my body never looked like what was decreed as attractive to cishet men (obv cishet men vary, many even defying the antifat brainworms) and when I was young, that felt like a failure, including within my family from a very young age. But when I hit my mid-30s approx, I realised I loved defying those parameters, I loved not being palatable to the supposed sensibilities of cishet men.
Don't get me wrong, if I could swap my body for a smaller one, I probably would, primarily so I would be more likely to receive appropriate medical treatment if I ever need it. And I'll probably never love my actual body; the brainworms seeded at such a young age, as soon as I was aware of having a body, have seen to that.
Oh and thank you so much for the Allusionist rec! theallusionist.org/fat1 and theallusionist.org/fat2 if people are interested
As ever - you put this so brilliantly and I feel really glad to have you and your work in my life. What a cursed cursed thing. Yay to the defying and boo to the brainworms. I only had a conversation with Zoe Jeyes a couple of months ago about how beautiful you always look. Xx
This resonates so much.
Thank you. X
The internalised fatphobia is real, no matter what size you are. Thank you for writing this x
Thank you - it really is and I massively appreciate you saying so and sending your thanks. X
Oh the last paragraph got meeee. "you wish you felt like that" -- POPPED A BUBBLE OF DELUSION. Thank you so much you bloody legend.
Thank YOU for bothering to tell me. XXXX
Deffo agree with the podcast recommendation, it's a doozy. I went the other way, I too was on average a size 14 in the horrible time to be a teenage girl, the nineties. In my adulthood I have fluctuated between a size 18 and a size 28, I am currently towards the top of that range. The most hurtful fatphobia hasn't been from men who I may or may not care if they fancy me (occasionally though and it has cut like a knife) but the worst has been from women being terrified of being fat or being perceived as less than 'perfect'. My life isn't perfect but I'm happy and I can assure them, that the worst thing in the world isn't to be like me.
Yeah, this is a horrifying reaction, I'm so sorry to hear it. The fear and stigmatisation is such constant bullshit.
Thanks for writing this and I think it’s so interesting to discuss where fatphobia begins. I’m a size 16 with big shoulders and tits, and when I was younger I tried to make it a thing - scaring boys into submission with my big knockers and manky leopardprint fur coats, and it worked up to a point. (They’d say things like ‘you’re not my type but there’s something about you’ and I’d watch those little cogs whirring as they tried to figure it out.) But now I’m getting older, internalised fatphobia can now be added to internalised ageism like a particularly ghastly combo meal at KFC. Woooo!! I wish I didn’t give a fuck anymore, but I do. But we have to remember that people with such narrow parameters are boring, unimaginative and weak - and quite frankly they can fuck off! Xx
This is so wise and I completely see the "making it a thing". Society's shit is inescapable, however clever and imaginative we are. SOLIDARITY! X
Bloody hell I related to this so much. I remember af such a young age feeling so strongly that it would be shameful for a boy to have me like them so I used to keep it to myself.
Always felt such pressure to be the fat fun one too, and I was never above a 16. Roughly a 10/12 now but that's a result of a significant lifestyle shift and the massive privilege of being able (ish) to afford a fucking extortionate gym membership.
So much guilt tied up in working so hard to maintain this size too... why can't I just let go and be what I am naturally? Because, like you said, I move through the world very differently now.
Thanks for writing this!
Oh god, yes to all of this. We are not alone. Thanks for replying. X