The Enticing Tang of Potential Humiliation

There’s something I love about places where extremes meet. I’ve written before about my love of public transport, where raucous hen do’s literally rub shoulders with operagoers and shift workers. We’re a society guys! Let’s get involved.

For example there’s a dance studio in London which has glorious skylights, glossy pianos, original art deco tiling and a wonky, damp smelling basement which houses an insane toilet you have to perch on. There’s also a Rolf Harris mural, but we’ll draw a veil over that. I went to dance classes there for years in my thirties and revelled in the mixture of atmospheres that existed within. I still enjoy spotting various studios in the Strictly outside broadcasts to this day. The juxtaposition of auditions, classes and rehearsals was fascinating. It’s a bit like the spectators’ gallery at my son’s swimming lessons. All the observers are either extremely anxious or bored out of their minds.

A full range of types congregated there. Middle aged keep-fit-goers and rock hard pro dancers would weave in and out between a cheery Kylie and her stooping security guards. Liz Hurley famously looked APPALLED at the state (and smell) of the place as she was led to a private room to learn her wedding dance when she married that billionaire. I once peered into a panto rehearsal room and saw Jeanette Krankee (very much in Jeanette mode) leaning seductively over the director’s knees. Another time, Charlotte Church walked in on me in the changing room. I was in my bra and we exchanged surprised sorries. It was a very distinctive bra, a deep red colour with a fringe around the cups. Every time I see Charlotte, I think of that bra. So much so, that my brain now thinks she was wearing it, not me.

One time, I was on my way to class (Jazz, General), and I saw a young woman looking really anxious on her own in the changing rooms. She met my eye and I asked her:

“Are you OK?”

“I don’t know what to do. I’m here for an audition to dance on a cruise but I think I’ve changed my mind,” she said.

“Is it an open audition?”

“No, I was invited down when I sent my CV.”

“Oh, then I’m sure you can do it! You’re just letting your nerves get to you".

“Yeah but…” She hesitated “I just looked in through the window and…”

“What??’

“They’re all amazing - flipping and leaping and everything. I can’t do that. I can’t do what they’re doing”.

I looked helplessly at her.

“I came all the way down from Leeds on the coach for this, but I don’t want to be humiliated. What should I do?”

I felt for her. And in truth, I knew enough to know that yeah, she might get humiliated. Oh God. She looks at me expectantly. She’s already a bit tearful. I look her right in the eye.

“I think you have to go in. You can’t come all this way just to sit in a basement for a bit and then go home.”

“My coach isn’t for hours anyway”.

“OK, right. Do it - you can only do what you can. Good luck.”

She nods and swallows.

I go off and do my class but I can’t focus. I spend the whole hour thinking about her, my stomach in knots. She’s so young - I don’t want her first humiliating audition to be my responsibility. Afterwards, I head back to the changing room and put my head round the door tentatively. She’s there, chatting to another young woman. She looks up - and breaks into a grin.

“It was the wrong room!” She laughs.

“What?”

“Yeah the audition was upstairs - they’re rehearsing bloody Chicago down here”.

I’m so happy I almost hug her but luckily we’re both sweaty and sense prevails. I’m delighted for her and she thanks me effusively. Such a relief.

The thing is, it could easily have gone the other way. I could have been the guy who pushed her to humiliation. But I think I would rather be that guy than the one who told her not to try. My dad once said to me “make a wrong decision but don’t make a bad one”. At the time, I was talking to him about whether to try and fly to Spain for a wedding and then turn around and fly back for a show in Edinburgh all in the space of 6 hours, which would have made everyone concerned feel like shit.

I think what he meant was, weigh everything up practically and emotionally; don’t be deluded; don’t like, LIE (I think if she’d said “I exaggerated on my CV” I’d have hesitated) and then choose. And once you’ve made your choice, live with it.

In general, as Our Lord Hugh Laurie says

“It’s a terrible thing in life I think, to wait until you’re ready. Now is as good a time as any”.

Sometimes, yes - you’re about to embark on the first truly humiliating experience of your life. May it be the first of many - they’re the only way forward. I hope she got that job, but if not, her coach journey home was more bearable for having done the thing she’d set out to do.