Clapped Out Old Biddies

Piss off Brigitte.

Recently, after a very mild backlash on one of my favourite podcasts (Times Radio’s Off Air), Jane Garvey apologised for calling Brigitte Bardot “a clapped out old biddy” *.

I knew it was coming. That was to say, I knew the apology would come as soon as she’d said it. And generally I think it was/is right to apologise - solidarity with older women and down with gendered ageist insults and all that, but also… SIGH.

For context, she called Brigitte a clapped out old biddy because of her recent remarks about poor little Gerard Depardieu and mean old feminists:

"Those who have talent and put their hands on a girl's buttocks are relegated to the bottomless pit," she regrets. She adds: "We could at least let them continue to live. They can no longer live."

I should say that as she said this, he was filming a new film. Even though he’d just been convicted of 2 counts of sexual assault and sentenced, on 13th May 2025 in the first instance, to an 18-month suspended prison sentence, accompanied by a 2-year ineligibility period and his inclusion in the sex offenders' register.

I seem to remember that just before Garvey called her a clapped out old biddy she sighed and said “it’s just not very helpful”. Which is an understatement, right? And the “clapped out old biddy”? An overstatement. And yeah she used the language of the oppressor. Frankly, I gave a delighted bark of laughter when she said it. The delivery was excellent - a strangled, spat out exhortation which came seemingly out of nowhere. And the language was surprising. From another corner, sure, it would be a lazy, thoughtless expression. Most of the time it would be an insult thrown at someone who was considered unglamorous, frumpy and “past it” sexually. A way of dismissing an older woman for having nothing to contribute.

For years, Brigitte was the ultimate woman, patriarchally-speaking. She was immeasurably nubile and sexy and she said fuck all. Swit-swoo. Ooh her and her mysterious curves. Later on, she spoke up and it was well… bracing. Not in a good way. In a “let’s lift this beautiful plant pot and OH GOD THE HORRIFIC MAGGOTS AND SLIME AND LICE PUT IT BACK PUT IT BACK” way. Have a look at her Wikipedia entry for the full grisliness. It’s not pretty. Unless you’re into casual fascism.

You get the point - Brigitte Bardot’s relationship with the sisterhood is a tiny bit lacking. Unlike Jane Garvey, who hosted BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour for years and along with Fi Glover, strives to be even handed and informed while lifting up women at every opportunity. And here’s the thing - they have a HUGE audience who adore them (myself included) and their job is to entertain as well as inform. They are both immensely sharp and articulate and their savviness and experience shines through everything they do - even though I don’t always agree with them (I happen to love model villages; apologies be damned). And to be fair, it’s not like they always agree with each other.

It’s the entertaining bit which is the most impressive thing that they do. They cover an insanely broad range of topics. The “chuff of life” is often mentioned, but the truth is that they can make banal topics hilarious and geopolitics accessible. They’re secret geniuses. And if I get irritated with the standard they are held to, I bet they do too sometimes. Being funny involves showing personality and spirit. And being surprising. It’s just not possible to do it without taking risks and exposing your own foibles.

This isn’t (just) a love letter to Fi and Jane. The whole episode got me thinking about a time I was told off for swearing in my work by a friend who said “I just don’t think you need it”. It was one of those times I’d felt a surge of white hot anger and noted it